She sleeps through the night. She rarely cries (only if she's hungry or tired). She smiles nearly all day. I can't tell you how happy I am. Alexia is the sweetest little girl.
Now can I be real for a few minutes?
About 5 weeks ago, I went back to work. The first day was tough. I dropped Alexia off at her new daycare (which we love by the way) and got back in my car. I let myself cry for 5 minutes on the way to work and then forced myself to stop. I knew that if I let myself cry any longer than that, I would be crying all day.
But once I got back to my desk, sitting in front of my computer, catching up on everything, chatting with my co-workers, a piece of me that had been lost for 9 weeks returned. I felt more comfortable than I had in a while. I knew what I was doing. I was good at what I was doing. I felt confident.
I felt like myself again. I've always known how much I love my work. I love what I get to do every day. I really missed work while I was on maternity leave.
I know some moms would feel guilty for feeling the way I feel. We've all been told at some point or another that we are letting someone else raise our child while we work. And while that is partially true, my daughter knows who I am. She smiles when she sees me. When I get home from work every night, I spend that precious time with her cuddling and laughing and playing. On weekends we spend time staring at each other and I give her way too many kisses (that's totally not possible) and tell her how much I love her.
Alexia needs a happy mama. I would not be a happy mama without my work. Staying at home is not something I'm good at. I was an awful housewife during funemployment. During my maternity leave, I realized I need some balance. I need to feel productive and I need to work my brain in ways that just aren't possible when I'm at home with a baby. Of course I realize how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom and how there is a different type of productivity that comes with that role, but I just couldn't do it. And I don't feel guilty about that.
2 comments:
Hello, this is a great post. My friend and I used to talk about how we were going to be stay at home moms and how great it would be and now I am which is wonderful but at the same time I spend a lot of my time going stir crazy. I never knew how much of my social time and well being came from being able to work. I feel ungrateful when I say that so i mostly keep it to myself but its the way i feel.
My goal is to be a work-at-home mom eventually but I can't explain how good it feels when I walk in the door and one of the boys runs and gives my legs a hug. It melts me.
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