Chasing Sleep

Hi everyone! We're still here! My girl is 9 weeks old (a little over 2 months for those normal people who don't think in weeks).

So much has happened in the past month and every day I think to myself, "Ohhh I need to blog about this!" And I want to blog, but it just never felt like I had time. I'm now relegated to blogging while pumping. Please don't try to imagine that. It's as bad as it sounds.

Alexia is doing great. She's such a sweet little baby. She has her bad days of course, but overall, she has been so good. I really am so happy and know that she is so special. I won't lie and say it's all been easy. There have been times when I've questioned whether I could handle having a baby. 

2 month picture taken by Auntie Em

One night last week, Alexia woke up only 3 hours after she had gone to bed. Before that, she had been having some long stretches of 5, 6, or sometimes even 7 hours of sleep. On this particular night, when she woke up after only 3 hours, I couldn't help but cry. I was exhausted. I thought we were making progress. In that moment, it felt like all of that progress was lost.

I cried because a part of me misses my old life where I slept and got to feel selfish and got to decide how my day would go and got to shower before 3pm. Then I cried because I felt guilty for feeling that way. How could I miss my old life when my new life has Alexia in it? How could I miss sleep knowing that my life is so much better now that she is here?

I had to give myself a break. Any sane person would have a tough time with this sleep schedule... actually this schedule in general. There is no schedule. You do what Alexia wants, when she wants it. The past 9 weeks are a blur of feedings, little sleep, sleep at weird hours, trying to figure this little person out, tears, unbelievable happiness, and so much love.

Another amazing picture taken by my sister

And that night when she looked at me, I remembered why this was all worth it. There will never be love that feels like the love I feel with her. That tiny face looks for me and stares at me and knows me. Someday when she's older, I will miss that feeling and I will forget the sleepless nights and the long days. But right now, while I'm in the thick of it, "chasing sleep" as I heard one mother say, it can be hard to see the big picture. It can be hard to give myself that break.

But through it all, there is so much love. So many cuddles. So many little kisses on those perfect little cheeks. And knowing that this little baby is ours brings me so much happiness.

Birth Story part 2... The Name

So at the end of part 1, LoLo and I were whispering about what to name our brand new baby girl. I don't remember if I wrote about it here, but LoLo had come up with the names for our future children years ago. See, LoLo is pretty superstitious and had a dream maybe 4 or 5 years ago (before we were even married) where our children came to him and told him their names. There was a little boy and a little girl and when LoLo asked them where their parents were, they told him he was their father. So then he asked them their names and they told him.

The little girl told him her first and middle names. LoLo said for years that we had to use this name because he didn't want to mess with whatever spirit brought him the name.

You may recall our baby is Alexia Lidia. This name didn't come without a fight. See, the little girl from the dream said her name was Alexia, but her middle name wasn't Lidia (and LoLo forbids me from publishing what she said her middle name was!).

Thank you to my sister for this birth announcement!

For me, it's always been really important to use family names and to pass on the tradition of names. On my mom's side of the family, there are a few names that are repeated quite often: Lydia/Lidia, Marta/Martha (still pronounced "Marta"), Anne, and Carmen are a few.

My mother's name is Lydia, my middle name is Lydia, my great-grandmother's name was Lidia, my cousin's name is Lydia, and my other cousin... and I wanted my baby girl to be a part of that tradition. 

When the doctor showed us that we had a baby girl, LoLo and I looked at each other, knowing it was going to be a battle to decide the name. I used all of my best arguments... "Please! I just pushed a baby out! You saw what I had to go through! Please let me have a say in the middle name at least."

LoLo looked at me and said, "Really, Erin??" But he knew he'd lost.

Then he turned to the nurse and said, "Her name is Alexia Lidia Santana."